Sometimes I look kinda pretty without makeup all over my face and my hair all done up. Sometimes I’m just naturally beautiful. Maybe that’s conceited. I just think I look nice today…
It’s so weird how I said I wanted someone to kiss, and M is that girl. We fuck almost every time we hang out. We flirt and act cute and love each other, but we aren’t together. It’s kind I nice. At the same time, it kinda hurts. But it’s nice that I got what I asked for I guess. The sex is good. Really good. Just as good as its always been. We’ll probably hang out again Saturday lol
I love M. I always have. I always will. She’s the one girl that I never get over. I’ve never loved someone like I do her. I’ve never fought with someone like I do her. I’ve never kissed someone like I do her. I’ve never had something like her. Ever. She’s just perfect. I just need her to be happy now. Sure, sometimes I hate her a little and get mad at her and say mean, bitter things, but at the end of the day I still love her. Love is stronger than you would ever believe.
Lately, all I want is someone I can kiss and hold hands with and act like we’re together, but without the commitment. I’m just so tired of getting hurt. I just want love. Love that’s committed and easy going and nice. I just need something. Anything. I’ll find a girl probably by tomorrow. It’s really not hard for me and I feel like an asshole because of it. But I don’t know. I can’t really help it. I guess I’m charming or something. I really just don’t know. Girls just seem to really like me. It’s nice but at the same time it’s awkward. I just want someone nice who will stick with me and not choose drugs over me. Yep
Today has absolutely suck suck sucked
Fuck you, you lying sack of donkey shit. I hate you. I wish I had never given you a second chance. Especially because it screwed up things with someone so special to me. Just FUCK.
I absolutely hate my family. Always have and always will.
Well, fuck you. Every time I turn around, I find out you cheated with yet another person. That’s 3 so far. And you’re taking 2 of them out. You’re going on a date with one Friday and the other Saturday. Dumb broad. Fuck you.
Why did I EVER date you? Why did I ever waste my time with you? You suck. You’re an absolutely disgusting person. And oh, by the fucking way, I hate you. Yep. I take it back when I said I wanted you in my life. You absolutely SUCK.
You cheated on me with 3 different people. We weren’t even dating a month. What the fuck? And then somehow I’m the one who did you wrong. Hahaha yeah, well, no. Go die.
C, as much as I love you and want you and like being with you, I think it’s time to let you go. Why? Because I’m absolutely tired of all your bullshit. You want to control me. But then if I want you to do something for me, you don’t and won’t. You won’t compromise for me. I’m tired of getting hurt. I’m tired of feeling like you’re cheating on me. I’m just so so so tired of YOU. You’re sweet and all, but you suck. I mean, I was in the hospital for 6 days. I asked you to stay out of trouble and not smoke weed and not drink and not burn yourself. Then I come home to find that you did burn yourself, you did smoke weed, and you might be getting kicked out of our school. What the fuck?
I asked T to take pictures with pay phones for me while she was in New York (also while I was in the hospital) and to have fun and all this other stuff and she did. I never should’ve fucked things up with her. And during my whole relationship with you, C, I have wanted T. Yep. Had to say it.
Well. Last night I got home from the psychiatric hospital. I’m not sure what’s gonna happen now. Maybe I’ll break off my engagement. Who knows.
You hurt me. So bad. How could you do this? Why would you string me along and say that you love me if you’re in love with her?
Fuck. Just fuck it all. I want to be alone and just cut. Cut until the pain goes away or I die. Whichever comes first. I don’t even think I care anymore.
I don’t care who the fuck you think you are. Just because you gave birth to me doesn’t give you the right to treat me like shit.
And as I lay in bed, I can smell you on my sheets and pillows and I remember how you were there just hours ago. I love you. I always will. And nothing will tear us apart. We’re close. You’re a big part of my life. The only thing that complicates this is the fact that my girlfriend can’t stand you….
But memories of today:
I showed you my cuts
You painted my face
Played with my lips
We watched our show, Spongebob
We listened to music
We hugged a-fucking-lot
We went in my closet
We wrestled
You turned me on and I got pretty wet because of you
I had to stand against my armoire because you were trying to get something out of it to cut yourself
We took pictures even though you didn’t want to
Listened to music
And pretty much just layed in bed together all day. Then eventually my cousin came over and hung out with us. I didn’t cheat on my girlfriend. I love her. The way I love you is as a friend. I still find you attractive, though. I’m just not going to do anything about it. Yep. I just hate that we were together today behind my girlfriend’s back. I told her and she was mad. But I had to be honest with her. She hates you so much. She’s just so protective of me. It’s sweet but I can’t lose you. I need you in my life. Plus, she’s friends with her ex’s and doesn’t have to give them up, so why should I have to give you up
It really bothers me how I have to give up my everything for you, yet you don’t give up anything for me. Even though you know it bothers me so much. I had to give up one of my closest friends because she was my ex and it bothered you that we still talked. We were only friends. We were close and got along and when you and her were fighting and I was balling my eyes out on my closet floor and cutting myself, she was the one on the phone with me, comforting me and making me feel better. You were off getting drunk with a bunch of random people and being a bitch.I had to give up oxy because it bothered you that I do them and you made me promise. But then you’re dipping, smoking cigarettes and weed, drinking, and doing other drugs even though it drives me batshit crazy and I hate it. I had to give up time with my friends for you. I had to give up my time with them to spend time with you and your friends. Half of them are fucking mean to me even though I’m nice and caring towards them. Then I get called a bitch for trying to stick up for myself. You don’t even seem to notice or care. You only cared when I was crying in the bathroom and went missing for like, 15-20 minutes, yesterday. You also cared when we were fighting and I left to go cut myself. You found me digging a safety pin out of my purse and made me give you all the things I cut myself that were with me. Don’t worry, bitch, I’ll be putting more in very soon. You tried to make me promise to stop cutting, but I can’t make that promise. I can’t control it. I’m addicted to the pain. And with you as a girlfriend, it looks like I’m going to be shedding alot of blood.
You know, lately I’ve been thinking alot about how nobody ever says that I give good hugs. I just always hear how everybody else does and I think, “Why does nobody say that about me? Do my hugs suck?”
But a girl that I hugged today just said I give really good hugs and now she’s going on about it and it’s making me happy. She’s being sweet to me c: